Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The Abominable List of Abominations.

The old Bronze Age fairy tale that people call the Holy Bible has its god naming off some of the things it believes to be abominations.
Most of them I am sure you have already heard: Men cornholing other men as they would cornhole a woman, eating bacon (despite the same god making bacon taste so fucking good and making a whole goddam animal out of it), wearing poly blend slacks, mixing your seeds up in your garden, having contact with a woman who is shopping for tampons, etc.
I suppose those are all fine abominations if you are one to believe in talking snakes and virgin births, but my list of abominations is better.
That's right. I have my own list of abominations. And my abominations are more abominable.
So, in no particular order, here are are a list of things that I find as an abomination in my eye:
1. Walking around with the waist of your pants below the crotch. Neither I, the talking snake, nor anyone else gives a shit about seeing your drawers. You are an abomination in my eye. If you do it, don't cry when everyone in society points and laughs at you.
2. Escargot and caviar. I can't believe that the Almighty has no problem with this slimy abomination, yet declared bacon and pork chops off limits. You eat either of those disgusting vomit inducers, you are truly an abomination in the eyes of me, the Lord, Satan and just about anyone else. Either that, or you are French. Which is almost an abomination in itself.
3. Playing rap "music" on anything other than earphones is an atrocious abomination. Subjecting anyone to that fucking shit should be an automatic sentence of listening to Charlie Daniels fiddle for 7 straight days. Harsh, I know. But the point needs to be put across.
4. Jersey Shore. Enough said.
5. Any religion created after 1400 AD. Fucking hell! Wasn't there enough goddam religions before the age of enlightenment? Mormonism. Seriously? Planet Kolob? And what the fuck is the deal with Scientology? That was invented in the 1950s! I was born in the 1950s! Surely by then we had enough goddam religions? (we had enough goddam states too, I'm looking at you Alaska)
6. Twilight. See number 4.
7. Candy bars being turned into ice cream. What the fuck? Am I not fat enough?
8. Putting mayonnaise on a goddam hot dog. I personally don't believe in the death penalty, but this abomination almost makes me reconsider it.
9. Wearing sandals with over the calf black socks. This dress code abomination almost ranks up there with number 1. If you were planning on wearing socks to begin with, why the fuck did you think that you should put on sandals? Truly an abomination even to those of us who are fashion challenged.
10. Using a cell phone in a movie theater. States and local governments pass laws all the time about using a cell phone while operating a motor vehicle, but ignore this abomination. It is high time we wrote our congressman and demanded legislation outlawing this abominable act. Patrons should have the right to seize and destroy these devices upon demand.
Well, there you have it. A list of true abominations. I have more, but I thought I would stop at 10. I may list more later.
At the moment, my co-workers are coming back in from their Chick-fil-a run to support the expressing of traditional biblical marriages, so I need to look like I am busy.
So far none came back with additional wives or concubines. Some came back with hamburgers because they didn't want to wait in a long line with their fellow fag bashers. I suppose it was to long to wait for cock.

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