Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Additional Random Musings

I think it is good to look into the thoughts that keep us sane during the course of otherwise dull days. So in that spirit, I thought I'd add a few of my own random musings to Steve's earlier excellent post.

Right out of the gate, I agree with Steve. Fuck Michael Vick. Enough said.

*A faithful dog will follow you around from room to room at night when you have insomnia, but he doesn’t like it much.

*The mere thought of living in Texas will cause men to start looking at oversized trucks to buy. (You know who you are)

*Rednecks and Christians are always happier when a Republican is in office but they haven’t a clue why.

*Turnip Greens, Collards, Broccoli, Cabbage and Cauliflower stink while they are cooking. It is just the way it is. I eat them too, but the truth is the truth.

*Among democrats, men are much more forgiving of Sarah Palin than are women. Why is that?

*I don’t like wearing high heels, no matter how good they might look.

*If you are going to the drive through at the bank, a fast food joint or in line at Walmart, stay off your cell phone, you are slowing things down and pissing people off.

*If I pick a piece of lint off my clothing, and don't put it in the trash can, you can just get over it. Yes, this is actually an issue for some people.

*The smell of sheets that have been dried on a clothesline should be bottled and sold.


Random Musings By a Surly Old Fart

Giving praise to the Democratic Party for finally passing DADT repeal and START is like heaping praise on a school boy who finally finished his homework assignment 2 weeks late. That shit should have been on Obama's desk for signature by March of 2008 at the latest.

I'm still waiting on that trickle down from the millionaires and billionaires to fix the country. Maybe if we give it about 50 more years?

Books are like people, you open either one up and they are red (read) inside. Of course, opening up a person can be messy and more than likely he won't go for that shit.
Unless it has pretty pictures on the inside, a social conservative will close the book faster than he opened it.

Dean Wormer was wrong. Going through life fat, drunk, and lazy seems to be working just fine.

People afflicted with lycanthropy probably had a rough time if they worked for the Apollo program back in the 60s.

Christian persecution used to mean being fed to the lions or some other horrible shit. Evidently now it means saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas.

I am so old I can remember being proud to call myself a Democrat. Now I can only say I am proud that I have never been a Republican.

Hearing a social conservative tell me that evolution is only a “theory” makes me want to push their dumb ass onto the ground and scream, “So is fucking gravity!”

Michael Vick tortured and killed dogs. I wonder if he wasn't a highly skilled professional football player, would the cries of “he deserves a second chance” be as loud? How about if he was a child molester? Wouldn't he deserve a second chance then too?
Fuck Michael Vick.

I saw the movie “Buried” last week at the cheap-o dollar movie theater. It is still fucking with my head.

Until just a few years ago, the Speaker of the House has always been a white male. Then a woman got it. Next month a man of color will sit in that seat. Who knew that color would be orange?

Fact: As long as conservatives have a say so in government on this planet, the High Council on Zenith Prime will never allow Earth to join the Galactic Federation.

Whenever it threatens to snow here, all the stores sell out of milk and bread. WTF? Milk and bread? Is that the basic staple to survive the few hours of being snowed in in Alabama? Wouldn't potato chips and beer make more sense?

Drive-way, park-way, strip-mall, and poop-deck are named wrong. You can get your ass in trouble if you do what the name implies.

Money will not buy you happiness, but it will pay for making the swelling go down.

Fact: People who eat bacon are much happier than people who don't. You know it's true.

It is one sorry ass mother fucker that would charge you a goddam dollar so you can put air in your tire.

Never underestimate the ability of an Alabama politician to embarrass the fuck out of you over and over.

Heavy Metal doesn't sound as good as it used to.

Country Music sounds even worse than it used to. (I didn't think that could be possible)

Even though he is in Glenn Beck's shadow, Rush Limbaugh is still a flaming Nazi gasbag.

That's all I got right now. I need to go run those little bastards off my fucking lawn.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Asshole of the Week - President Obama

This edition of ASSHOLE OF THE WEEK goes to, President Obama.
Obama in continuing his tradition of trying to emulate The Bastard Reagan, signed an executive order freezing the pay raises of civil service employees for 2 years.
"Despite the sacrifices that I knew a pay freeze would entail for our dedicated civil servants, I concluded that a two-year freeze in the upward statutory adjustment of pay schedules is a necessary first step in our effort to address the challenge of our fiscal reality," Obama lied.
Civil service employees normally make less than their private sector counterparts, sometimes up to half as much.
Obama gives the royal, no lube, ass fucking to working class families while compromising, without even so much as an argument, to give 880 billion fucking dollars to the millionaires and billionaires.
This is just another step in the Republican wet dream of destroying all government agencies and replacing it with big corporations.
This is unforgivable.
Other than the repeal of DADT, and getting a watered down Health Care Reform passed, what would really be the different if Grandpa and the Swimsuit Model had won the election instead?
Obama, I expected more of you.
I expected a fighter. Not a pussy.
I expected a champion of people. Not another corporate whore.
Obama, are you getting bad advice from somebody?
Do you think that if you continue to give everything to the fucking Republicans that they might not notice that you are black and pretend to like you?
What the fuck, man?
Yes, I would love to see my country united again. That ain't going to happen soon. Until then, it would be fucking nice to see my side doing the ass kicking instead of getting fucked in the ass.
I'm tired of fucking millionaires pissing on me and calling it trickle down.
What are you going to do next Obama? Bust up the few remaining labor unions?
I guess I had better shut up before he gets some more ideas to please his corporate masters.
Fuck it.
Obama, you are an asshole.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

A Republican Christmas Meal

In the spirit of the season and current events, I have came up with a proposal that we Americans should consider adopting for our Christmas feast.
I think this is the best way to show compassion as it does recognize that there are people of lesser means who will be going hungry, but without putting an unfair hardship on the wealthy citizens and corporations who have worked so very hard for what they have and shouldn't be punished by having to help feed the lazy and unwashed.
This scenario is based on current economic and tax statistics. Tweaking it for fluctuations in your family's economic stage may be required.
As the families get together for the meal, we would set up various stages and sections for the loved ones to sit with each other.
Starting at one end, the family members with the most wealth would sit together. This would probably be maybe 2 people. The majority of the middle income family would sit in the rest of the chairs starting with the upper middle class sitting closest to the wealthy members and the lower middle class sitting at the other end.
The poor and unemployed will, of course, sit on the floor.
Before you start criticizing this setup, finish reading as it will prove to be the fairest way for ALL members of the family to enjoy a meal together regardless of economic stature, and do it with out punishing the wealthy, who obviously have worked so very hard for what they have.
Ninety eight percent of the food will be set at the end with the wealthy people are. This may require some creative ideas to place it all there, perhaps with stackable Lazy Susan's, or maybe utilizing the cleaner, less repulsive, poor family members as furniture by having them on their hands and knees around the table with food placed on their backs.
This actually will help their self-esteem, as now they are feeling like they are of worth and are contributing to the meal in their own meager way.
If you do decide to make use of your less fortunate family members in such away, be sure not to place the hot items on their backs without using a pot holder or perhaps a towel underneath the food container to keep from burning them.
It would be a sad for the gravy to be spilled and cause the less fortunate family member to not only suffer from minor burns but also the shame of the public scolding. Having to tell them that is why they are poor because they can't even do anything right, could possibly cause a minor lull in the holiday cheer.
With the vast majority of the food sitting in front of the wealthy family members, in this case 2, the other two percent of the food will be shared by the rest of the family members.
After the blessing thanking God for this great bounty and being blessed with having all the loved ones together on this joyous day recognizing the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, everyone can start digging in.
The 2 people with 98% of the food around them will obviously start shoveling it in as fast as they can, so they can eat as much as possible before they become filled up.
The rest of the family seated around the table will begin eating the 2% of the bounty, with the loved ones at the upper end starting first and passing the food down the line.
We can trust each person to take what is a fair share and to ensure as not to take to much so as the everyone can get a portion. The size of the portions, of course, based on how much the family member is worth.
At the upper end of the table, the wealthy family members have became gorged and are grudgingly letting the remaining food be passed down the table.
During the gorging, some food missed their mouths as a feeding frenzy can be messy at times. Fortunately this ill aimed food fell to the floor to the grateful poor and unemployed.
This whole process is best known as “Trickle Down”.
Making sure that the wealthy and upper class have all the food they want, will ensure a steady stream (trickle down) towards the poor.
After all, the rich can't eat it all, and something will have to be done with the leftovers before it spoils. And it isn't good to give table scraps to pedigree pets anyway.
History has shown that the upper class has always shown compassion and generosity in treating the downtrodden, and what better way to do that than showing it during the birthday of Christ?
Needless to say their will probably be some bleeding heart liberal family member, perhaps that bothersome brother-in-law, who will protest that it is unfair and everyone should have access to equal portions.
You can easily quieten down this nonsense by calling him a Communist, Socialist, fag lover, or numerous other names.
Ask him why does he hate America, and why does he hate rich people so much and want to punish them? After all they have worked so very, very hard for what they have.
Most of the family members will vote for eating the Christmas meal this way, even the unemployed and poor because one day, they hope to be able to sit at that end of the table too.
Until then they will gladly let the wealthy trickle down on them and they will like it.
One day maybe they can be wealthy too.
It is the American dream.
Keep on dreaming.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Asshole of the Week - Judson Phillips

Well, it hasn't been a week but I can't resist. I have to put up another ASSHOLE OF THE WEEK post.
This time the coveted award goes to Judson Phillips.
This racist rectum is the president of Tea Party Nation. One of several prominent Teabagger organizations flexing their sphincters.
Between the farting sounds coming from the bastards oral anus, Phillips announced his swell idea of restricting the right to vote to property owners.
Yeah. That's right you stupid Teabagger living in your rental property. If your hero had his way, you wouldn't have the right to fucking vote.
Here is the belching buttholes own words:
“The Founding Fathers originally said, they put certain restrictions on who gets the right to vote. It wasn't you were just a citizen and you got to vote. Some of the restrictions, you know, you obviously would not think about today. But one of those was you had to be a property owner. And that makes a lot of sense, because if you're a property owner you actually have a vested stake in the community. If you're not a property owner, you know, I'm sorry but property owners have a little bit more of a vested interest in the community than non-property owners.”
The Founding Fathers also restricted women, blacks, and Native Americans from voting. But, hey Teabaggers ain't bigots! Honest Injun!
Seeing how that a good portion of the Teabagger voting bloc are not property owners, it proves the point that I have been making since these assholes sprang in to existence last year: The Tea Party leadership is actually corporations and wealthy individuals.
If they really were populists and regular Americans, would they be voicing their disdain for so many of their voting bloc?
Using their media mouth pieces, they stir up the dumbasses out there into voting against their own best self interest. Not only are these idiots voting to give our treasury to the Uber-Wealthy, evidently they are voting to take away their own right to fucking vote. Amazing.
I guess you can say these Teabaggers hate the troops too.
Hey, it has to be true. Statistics show that a very large portion of the enlisted in our military branches are not property owners. What the fuck, whoever heard of letting cannon fodder have a voice anyway?
So a Royal Fuck You, Judson Phillips, you America Hating racist asshole. And fuck your asshole friends and fuck your asshole apologists.
And fuck the horse you rode in on.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Asshole of the Week

Greetings Citizens and welcome to the first posting of what I hope to become a regular feature: ASSHOLE OF THE WEEK.
I would like to hopefully make it a truly weekly feature posting on a certain day, but the way I am, I'm sure that is unlikely. For awhile anyway. I may post more than once a week, or may go weeks without posting.
This should be fun though, and with as many assholes as there are, it probably would be easy enough to make an ASSHOLE OF THE DAY.
Anyway, pardon the smell of shit.

And the first Asshole of the Week goes to Senator Alan Simpson (R- Milk Cow Tits)
This heartless and evil bastard, trying his best to emulate Dick Cheney or Montgomery Burns, earlier this year said: "And yes, I've made some plenty smart cracks about people on Social Security who milk it to the last degree. You know 'em too. It's the same with any system in America. We've reached a point now where it's like a milk cow with 310 million tits! Call when you get honest work!"
He supposedly half-assed apologized for his remarks, but then he more recently went and called people who want to have Social Security available, “Greedy”.
Yes that's right, Citizen. You are a greedy person because money you expect to have available for you in your elder years, that money you have been paying in your whole goddam life, yes that fucking money... you expect it to be there.
What a soulless and shitty dick.
Yeah, you greedy fuckers should be happy to eat cat food and live in the street somewhere.
What makes people like him? Wealthy and comfortable in life, why the fuck do they have such disdain for people with lesser means.
Social Security is the back bone of 98% of every Americans retirement plans. It is needed. It has paid in by the people. And they are greedy.
You are an asshole Alan Simpson. Fuck you, you old miserable bastard. Hopefully I will live long enough to stop by, on my way to cash my S.S. Check, and recycle a pale ale on your grave.