Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Jesus Christ! Who Do I Vote For?

As the great state of Alabama casts its votes for the nominee in Gods Own Party, we should really take a look on which candidate best loves Jesus.
As a life long resident of the Cotton State, I feel fully qualified to make that call for you. You're very welcome.
While eating my cheesy grits and saying "y'all" properly at the breakfast table this morning, I was able to catch some of the candidates stumping here and in our ugly sister state of Mississippi (yes. she's ugly as a dog turd with the shit stomped out of it and smells about the same, bless her heart, but she is our sister) on the teevee.
As you may know, a recent poll showed that most of the self described Republicans in our two states believed President Obama to be a Muslim. After all he is black and has a funny name, so what do you expect?
Now Jesus may very well love Muslims too, (yes I know there is debate on that) but we here in the Heart of Dixie sure don't, and you can't make us! And no matter what the liberal media may be telling you, the Constitution does not apply to them. At least the Constitution according to what we hear on the A.M. radio and Fox News.
Now that the primary has taken its toll and trimmed the GOP nominees down (and got the woman and the colored fellow out) we can seriously start evaluating them.
The conventional wisdom is the front runner is Mittens Romney. Of course in our evaluation we will be throwing conventional wisdom out the door, as there is nothing conventional or wise about our decision.
Mitt is the son of a former CEO of a Detroit company that makes cars. Mitt's personal relationship with Christ is so strong, that he forsaked his own father and said that he would rather see Detroit die than get a loan from the federal government to bail them out.
Lots of love for Jesus there. His decision was the right one because we all know that the Detroit auto industry is plagued with labor unions and if one thing that Jesus has said more than anything else is; that labor unions are bad!
Alas, his words fell on deaf ears and the government went ahead and loaned them the money. Satan rewarded this blasphemy by making the auto companys turn around and start being profitable and paid back all the taxpayer money, thus allowing future generations to possibly think that government wasn't evil after all.
Mitts multiple stances on social issues shows that he is very versatile and can adapt to which ever way Jesus is thinking during that week.
Mitt has publicly stated that he doesn't worry about poor people, and this is a good thing because if one thing that Jesus has said more than anything else is; that poor people are bad!
Mittens has also proclaimed his love of firing people. Very few things in life can bring you closer to God than seeing the look on the face of an employee as you hand him the pink slip! Glory!
Mitt lead the legislation on bringing univeral healthcare to Massachusets, which became the blueprint of Obamacare. He has faced much criticism becasue of this and has explained it in full detail why his is good and Obama's is bad. You can  read all his reasons on his website and decide for yourself which stance of his you like best.
Mitt Romney is a Mormon however. There is much debate whether or not Mormons are really Christians.
For most of its history, Mormons would not allow blacks to be a member of their church. They changed this policy in the 70s and started allowing blacks to attend, which further re-enforced the Mormon critics of their true Christian standing.
Like many superheroes, Mormons wear magical underwear. Unlike Batman or Superman however, they do not wear it on the outside of their tights. It is not unusual for a Mormon to be seen donning a cape on an occasion.
Early Mormons were polygamist, at least the men were, and could have more than one wife.
This brings us to Newt Gingrich.
Newt Gingrich has recently converted to Catholicism. Catholics are much like Christians and generally follow the same rules as most. However they do have a problem with meat on Friday and condoms.
Newt has on many occasion proclaimed his love of Jesus.
Jesus guided him as Speaker of the House as he led the impeachment hearings of President Bill Clinton. Clinton had lied about having a girlfriend and gotten in trouble by Newt and other true Christians at the time.
The fact that Newt was having an affair with a staffer at the same time is irrelevant. Newt loved Jesus more than Clinton did. This is a fact of record.
Newt went on to be kicked out of congress and wrote a book about World War II that was so badly recieved that it was recycled into toilet paper.
But Newt is a changed man now, and can be seen praying whenever a crowd of people are around to see him. One thing that Jesus liked more than anything was public prayer! Yes sir!
That leaves us with Rick Santorum.
Rick loves Jesus so much. So very much.
He might not like women, gays, colored people, Muslims, Mexicans, Indians (both kinds), Democrats, Canadians, Klingons, or any other aliens, but he loves some Jesus.
He also loves fetuses. And we all know that if there is one thing that Jesus loves more than anything else it is fetuses.
Rick loves fetuses so much that he hates all kinds of abortion. Even when the mothers life is in danger. Except when it was his wife. But even then he brought the aborted fetus home so the other children could bond with it!
Other than having an unusal obsession with anal sex and some weird thing about dogs, Rick scores a very impressive score.
Let's break it down:
Romney loves Jesus almost as much as he loves firing people.
Newt loves Jesus almost as much as he does his future ex-wife.
Rick love Jesus 1000%, which is ten times as much as 100%.
Rick loves Jesus more than you could ever possible could.
Vote for Rick Santorum. Vote for Jesus. You need the points. 

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