Thursday, December 9, 2010

A Republican Christmas Meal

In the spirit of the season and current events, I have came up with a proposal that we Americans should consider adopting for our Christmas feast.
I think this is the best way to show compassion as it does recognize that there are people of lesser means who will be going hungry, but without putting an unfair hardship on the wealthy citizens and corporations who have worked so very hard for what they have and shouldn't be punished by having to help feed the lazy and unwashed.
This scenario is based on current economic and tax statistics. Tweaking it for fluctuations in your family's economic stage may be required.
As the families get together for the meal, we would set up various stages and sections for the loved ones to sit with each other.
Starting at one end, the family members with the most wealth would sit together. This would probably be maybe 2 people. The majority of the middle income family would sit in the rest of the chairs starting with the upper middle class sitting closest to the wealthy members and the lower middle class sitting at the other end.
The poor and unemployed will, of course, sit on the floor.
Before you start criticizing this setup, finish reading as it will prove to be the fairest way for ALL members of the family to enjoy a meal together regardless of economic stature, and do it with out punishing the wealthy, who obviously have worked so very hard for what they have.
Ninety eight percent of the food will be set at the end with the wealthy people are. This may require some creative ideas to place it all there, perhaps with stackable Lazy Susan's, or maybe utilizing the cleaner, less repulsive, poor family members as furniture by having them on their hands and knees around the table with food placed on their backs.
This actually will help their self-esteem, as now they are feeling like they are of worth and are contributing to the meal in their own meager way.
If you do decide to make use of your less fortunate family members in such away, be sure not to place the hot items on their backs without using a pot holder or perhaps a towel underneath the food container to keep from burning them.
It would be a sad for the gravy to be spilled and cause the less fortunate family member to not only suffer from minor burns but also the shame of the public scolding. Having to tell them that is why they are poor because they can't even do anything right, could possibly cause a minor lull in the holiday cheer.
With the vast majority of the food sitting in front of the wealthy family members, in this case 2, the other two percent of the food will be shared by the rest of the family members.
After the blessing thanking God for this great bounty and being blessed with having all the loved ones together on this joyous day recognizing the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, everyone can start digging in.
The 2 people with 98% of the food around them will obviously start shoveling it in as fast as they can, so they can eat as much as possible before they become filled up.
The rest of the family seated around the table will begin eating the 2% of the bounty, with the loved ones at the upper end starting first and passing the food down the line.
We can trust each person to take what is a fair share and to ensure as not to take to much so as the everyone can get a portion. The size of the portions, of course, based on how much the family member is worth.
At the upper end of the table, the wealthy family members have became gorged and are grudgingly letting the remaining food be passed down the table.
During the gorging, some food missed their mouths as a feeding frenzy can be messy at times. Fortunately this ill aimed food fell to the floor to the grateful poor and unemployed.
This whole process is best known as “Trickle Down”.
Making sure that the wealthy and upper class have all the food they want, will ensure a steady stream (trickle down) towards the poor.
After all, the rich can't eat it all, and something will have to be done with the leftovers before it spoils. And it isn't good to give table scraps to pedigree pets anyway.
History has shown that the upper class has always shown compassion and generosity in treating the downtrodden, and what better way to do that than showing it during the birthday of Christ?
Needless to say their will probably be some bleeding heart liberal family member, perhaps that bothersome brother-in-law, who will protest that it is unfair and everyone should have access to equal portions.
You can easily quieten down this nonsense by calling him a Communist, Socialist, fag lover, or numerous other names.
Ask him why does he hate America, and why does he hate rich people so much and want to punish them? After all they have worked so very, very hard for what they have.
Most of the family members will vote for eating the Christmas meal this way, even the unemployed and poor because one day, they hope to be able to sit at that end of the table too.
Until then they will gladly let the wealthy trickle down on them and they will like it.
One day maybe they can be wealthy too.
It is the American dream.
Keep on dreaming.


  1. Steve may I please copy this and post it somewhere. I will absolutely give you credit as the author. This is probably the best example of "trickle down" theory I have ever read!

  2. You know what is so great about this entry, I can't think of one argument that the Reagonites could put forward to counter what you just said. Loved it!

  3. Wow, thank y'all. I'm blushing here.
    Marty, feel free to copy and paste anything I write on this blog and share it with anyone you wish. I will consider it an honor.
    Eve, the biggest shame of it is, the poor bastards sitting on the floor voted to eat that way.
    I had fun writing it.

  4. I would like to say As American's we aren't like this. However, I'm starting to see more and more that so many people only think of themselves & what they can put away. Thanks for posting this.

  5. Very well said! With this sad truth should come some comfort,that many of us want change. Maybe your writing has awakened those who slumber in the riches while others scrap to get by each day.

  6. Another great blog Space Trucker. Plenty of FOOD for thought.

  7. You've accurately describes an aristocratic feast that would have taken place during the medieval times when arrogance ruled and obesity equalled beauty. It seems the way way are headed to be sure. The dark are of the 21st century are upon us.